The romance genre is fraught with all types of feelings, emotions, relationships, pitfalls, and setbacks. People love reading about conflicted pairings (or trios, etc.) who struggle against the odds to come together and stay together. Some of those odds are personal: personality traits or behaviors caused by experiences in the past, beliefs, or understandings of the human psyche.
This is normal for romance stories. Expected. Intriguing. Positive!
What is NOT normal or positive? Relationship red flags (sometimes HUGE ones) masquerading as affection, care, or the gentle type of jealousy that most people feel at one point for their significant other.
I read a book last night with a lot of problems — serious problems that everyone should recognize and avoid in their real life (and fictional, in my opinion) relationships.
Stalking Is a Crime, Not a Come-on
Waiting with your partner until they get safely on the bus to work is sweet, and bringing them their lunch if they forgot is considerate.
Following them through three stores when they shop and asking the person who lives across the hall details about their life is stalking. It’s creepy. It’s illegal in a lot of places.
Knowing where your partner is every minute of the day is about control more than care.
Abuse is Never, Ever, EVER About Affection
Unfortunately, far too many people view abuse as only a physical issue. No one should get hit in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. (The ONLY time physicality outside “the ordinary” should exist is in a safe, sane, and 100% consensual BDSM relationship with discussions, agreements, contracts, and safewords firmly in place and respected.)
The character in this book never hit the object of their affection, but they abused them non-the-less. Stalking is abuse. Control is abuse. Aggressive jealousy when they saw someone else with their partner, complete with emotional blackmail (I’m sorry. I just get so upset when I think you could leave me. Don’t make me doubt you! Hint: that “make me” is a huge red flag. Adults are autonomous.) is abuse.
Forcing reliance is abuse. The one character had a mental health crisis early in the book, and the love interest (*cough* creepy stalker/abuser) purposefully swept it under the rug and kept it hidden from anyone who could help them. Instead, they decided they could save the other person on their own. Refusing to let a partner get the help they need is abuse. In some cases, with communication and agreement, handling things on your own can work. However, taking away the option… actively working to hide the opportunity for help… is bad.
Non-Consent is Never Sexy
At one point in the book, the two main characters get hot and heavy, the more dominant (controlling) one saying all the “right” things about how much they’re turned on and they just can’t hold back and longer…
…and their partner says, “No, stop!”
In any sane, loving, LEGAL experience, those words would cause an immediate STOP, pull back, hands off, move away, and discuss what’s up situation.
In this book, the response is to grip the hips more tightly and keep going. That’s sexual assault. That’s rape. That’s something that has NO place in a romance story.
(Caveat: Rape fantasies exist and, within the bounds of fantasy or a healthy, mutually-beneficial relationship/arrangement, people are free to explore all they want. In these instances, non-consent is NOT the issue. The people involved consent prior to the experience even if the experience itself role-plays non-consent.)
(Caveat #2: Romance stories are fantasy. Some people enjoy dark/horror romance where these lines of consent, abuse, and other unwanted behaviors blur. There is a big difference between a book that is marketed as these “taboo” genres and one smack dab in the regular romance category.)
Everyone can read what they enjoy. Romanticizing dangerous, illegal, hateful, and abusive behavior outside specific “extreme” genres is bad. Point blank.
No matter your gender, sexuality, age, or personal situation, you never, ever, ever deserve abuse, stalking, control, disrespect, or removal of your personal autonomy. Modelling that behavior in what is supposed to be a happy, lighthearted romance story doesn’t make it right. It makes it even more dangerous because it makes it harder for people to get the wrong ideas about what they should accept or expect from a partner.